Stillness

I don't know what my problem is. I make goals, write them down, say them out loud and then nothing. I start off energetic, fired up, and ready to go and somewhere along the way I lose all motivation to keep it up.

I feel like such a liar to myself. This doesn't stop with weight loss but includes everyday living. I'm looking for something but I'm tired of trying and fighting for it. Happiness. I just want to know what it feels like for more than a fleeting moment. I smile all the time and keep up the appearances I'm happy but it gets exhausting and frustrating.

I'm frustrated with life, my current and past life! Don't worry, I don't want to end it, I love living, I'm tired of trying to make shit happen to make it a happy life. I'm so burned out all, I want to do is sit still without me having burdens rest on my shoulders. To sit still and not have my world crumble around me.

I see the crumbling daily. In some things, I know I have the ability to stop the walls from falling brick by brick around me, but damn does everyday have to be a constant battle just to keep things in order? That's not living to me, it's struggling to make it. Struggling to survive. I'm so tired of the struggle. yet I fear that sitting still will make me crazy, crazier, if I get too comfortable with not moving.

I don't know anymore. It all seems so hopeless at times. I'm halfway through life and can't seem to enjoy what it feels like to be happy. From finances to love to weight loss to peace of mind in being still. It all seems like an unrealistic dream. A Utopian fantasy of my mind.